


It sinks into your head, hell it hurts but it's not love

by lovemepidge



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Crying, Death, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Don't Like Don't Read, Dreams, F/M, Grieving, Haruno Sakura Is So Done, Hugging, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Loss, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Naruto is dead, Older Characters, One-Sided Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Spirit Naruto, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This is full of holes, dark angst, like lots of crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 07:08:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18544789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovemepidge/pseuds/lovemepidge
Summary: “Why am I only realizing now how much I love you?”What if Naruto listened to Kabuto when he said he had no talents as a ninja? What if he started listening to what everyone said he could never become a ninja and killed himself because of it?What if he ended it, right then and there.Set when Tsunade just became Hokage and before Sasuke decided to fuckinG LEAVE-Also some homophobic person read this and had a go at me for writing and told me to go kill myself so if you are homophobic or just toxic in general don't read





	It sinks into your head, hell it hurts but it's not love

It sinks into your head, hell it hurts but it's not love

Death. It’s a weird thing really. It is painful and happens every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. And almost every time, someone cries. Over the death that ended that very second. 

But, most people don’t like to focus on the bad stuff in life like death. People like Uzumaki Naruto. A lot of potential in that boy. He was quite an enjoyable person in life, but that ended quickly for him. 

He died. Out of bad luck and a bunch of messed up coincidences.

He didn’t die because of a meteor crashing down from the sky or been driven off a cliff or being killed by the best ninja in the world.

Actually, he was killed by the best ninja in the world. He killed himself. Throughout his whole life, he was uninvolved, pushed away and always treated like a monster. Until now, he had never listened to any of it. None of it at all. Only a few accepted him for him. He kept them all close to his heart but they never seemed to even give him a smile. Anything as simple as that would make Naruto’s life seem a little bit better than what it was.

But, after being pushed away again and again and again, he started to listen to the things that were said about him. 

His latest mission almost killed him. The one he was fighting, someone he thought he could trust betrayed him. He told him that he had no talents of a ninja and would never become one.

Naruto didn’t need him to tell him that. He’s already been told that all his life.

With the amount of bullying and unacceptance he got through his whole life, he was lucky to survive this long. 

“To whoever reads this,

When you read this, I’ll be gone. After years I finally realized why I never even had the chance to be a ninja, nevermind the Hokage.

What everyone said was true.

From Naruto.”

Sakura read the note out loud, holding back tears. The note was the only thing left of the boy who loved her. Naruto. Sasuke read the note over her shoulder. He felt the same as Sakura but didn’t have the nerve to cry in front of Kakashi. He had his hand on Sakura’s shoulder, rubbing it slightly as he tried to calm her down. 

“I should never have said the things I said to him.” Sakura chokes out, tears rolling down her cheeks. She let her head fall onto her chest, bawling her eyes out. Throughout her life, she thought Naruto was just a nuisance, messing up everything and everyone. But now he was gone, she felt lost. It was going to be different without him there and she knew it. They all did.

The umbrella held over her and Sasuke didn’t catch all the rain, a few drops dropping onto her pale cheeks. She rested her head against Kakashi, who was holding the umbrella. He put an arm around her shoulder. He didn’t blame her. 

She had lost one of the most important people in her life and she never knew it until now. When he was gone.

Sasuke knew. He knew and understood those feelings. He and Naruto had been through hell together. And now Sasuke would go through hell without him. Without that special person in his life. 

He’d even go so far to say that Naruto was his best friend. What hurt him more was that this is what would happen in the end. To gain the kaleidoscope Sharingan to kill his brother, he would have to kill his best friend. As much as he hated to say it, t was better that Naruto’s death ended this way. He never wanted to kill Naruto, which is why he always kept his distance from him. 

But Naruto wasn’t the type of person to get ignore that easily. 

Naruto’s coffin was lowered into the ground, the area and people around it seemed even more sorrowful. Sakura silently sobs into Kakashi’s chest, scrunching up his black shirt in her fist tightly. 

Kakashi never thought he’d see the day of Naruto’s funeral. Naruto was such a lively boy who never gave up, it seemed he would never end it like this. Guess they never knew the real Naruto. The one behind the one they knew. 

Naruto was his successor, along with Sasuke and Sakura. He was like a son to him. His annoying, dead son. It was going to be hard letting him go. He looks away from the coffin to take his mind away from the matter, looking at all the guests who had come along. All of his friends came, including some enemies of his. Even they looked sad he had gone.

Even Gaara came. His rival. Since Tsunade had become Hokage, she had repaired the friendship between the village of the mist and Konoha. So Gaara was allowed to come along. It was hard for him to believe that this boy committed suicide. The boy he knew would never do such a thing. The sand was collecting around the flowers on Naruto’s grave. 

Kiba catches Kakashi’s eye and quickly looks away. He didn’t want him to see him this way. Behind his black hood, his eyes were filled with tears. He and Naruto weren’t even close friends, nevermind liked each other. But they respected each other none of the less. Naruto was like a brother to him. And when a brother dies, the sibling is left heartbroken. No matter how much they said in the past how much they hate them.

The thought of it just made him more depressed. His tears roll down his black hoodie, landing in Hinata’s hair. She was clinging onto Kiba’s side for support, Kiba lazily putting one arm over her. She needed as much support as she can get. Her arms were wrapped around his waist and her face was buried in his side. 

Hinata still had feelings for the late boy. This was the last time she was ever going to see him. At his funeral. It was heartbreaking. It physically hurt her. It shot through her mind and soul, shattering them to a million pieces that could never be put back together again. She sobbed even more into Kiba’s jacket. 

Kiba traced his fingers along the hem of Hinata’s black lace dress, trying to comfort her as much as possible. Akamaru was making noises every now and then, yipping lowly. It was if even he knew what was going on. 

Ino took Hinata’s hand, pulling the crying girl onto her instead of Kiba. Hinata didn’t mind, simply sobbing into Ino’s chest instead of Kiba’s jacket. Kiba mouthed a small thank you to her. She only took Hinata off Kiba because he couldn’t handle it, comforting someone. Ino knew of Hinata’s affection towards Naruto, never fully understand it until now. Seeing Hinata like this, she never wanted to ever see her like this ever again.

It must have been hard on her to hear the news. Hinata wasn’t fragile but her heart definitely was. She wiped her face on Ino’s dress. Even Ino somehow, in the end, formed a bond with Naruto.  
Neji looked over at his sister, seeing her like that. If her father were to see her like that it would not end well. Neji would of protected her then, it was hard for her not to express emotion in times like these. 

Naruto was the one who brought Neji out of the dark and brang him back to reality. That boy. That annoying, loud, obnoxious blonde boy did that. For, Naruto had better eyes than him. 

After defeating him in the chunin exams, Naruto and Neji ended up being friends. Naruto just had this way with people, he made many enemies of his become close friends. That happened to Lee as well, who was crying next to him.

The boy didn’t care about being quiet anymore. Leaning on his crutches, just letting it all out. Neji couldn’t comfort him much. Just every now and then handing him tissues which were used up quickly. “He was such good person…” Lee sobbed, hitting Sasuke a little too close to home. Sasuke clutches his chest, scrunching up the silky material.

Soon after, Tenten took him into her arms. She held him close, cooing softly to calm him down. Lee rests his head on her chest, choking up and breathing heavily and Tenten mothered him. It was sad letting him go. Even Tenten had a pained look on her face. She never knew Naruto well but it was going to have an effect on her and Lee very much. 

Lee hated crying. Especially in front of everyone there. For him, it was showing weakness. So crying in front of everyone was a big thing. Naruto was important to him. This was his way of saying goodbye.

Before Naruto left, he told Lee specifically he’d return with someone to cure him. With the nice guy pose even. Well, he did his duty all right. 

He was important to another as well. Tsunade. She had just become Hokage, fulfilling the dreams of her dead loved ones. When she lost her brother and her lover, her life had fallen apart. She started gambling and lost big numbers. She had a huge debt and was constantly running. 

That’s when her old friend Jiraiya and Naruto had come into her life. At first, Naruto was just another annoying kid who thought he was better than everyone else around him. But after seeing who this kid was she felt a large attachment to him.

He had the same dream her brother and her lover had. After seeing his strive to become what he wanted to become, she learned to love him. Like a son.

But when he was fighting for his life, being put down by Kabuto. He was the one who told him he had no potential. No luck, no talent no nothing. She thinks that was when Naruto broke. Yes, he defeated them in battle in the end but Kabuto won the game.

The small bouquet of flowers in Tsunade’s hand began to wilt, drifting to the ground around Naruto’s grave. Just like those flowers, Naruto had blossomed into someone beautiful and worthy of the title of Hokage. It was a shame he could never get there. 

Jiraiya felt her emotion. All thought he thought Naruto was annoying, he was an amazing kid. He mastered Jiraiya’s technique in one week when the 3rd took 3 years to. Jiraiya thought that Naruto was amazing and thought for sure he could have become the Hokage in the future. Now, Jiraiya had lost another one important to him. Every time he would get his scroll out, written in the boy’s own blood, the name of the boy who killed himself will be there. Boldly written in dried up blood. 

Konohamaru held onto Tsunade’s hand as he wiped his face with a tissue. Naruto WAS his brother. He said it himself. Konohamaru had lost his grandfather less than a month ago and now Naruto, his brother. And to a kid, it’s heartbreaking. He sobbed a lot of tears that day. His voice choked up and a lump formed in his throat. He ended up burying his face in Tsunade’s black coat. Konohamaru had gotten over the fact that Tsunade is the new Hokage and they ended up becoming close partners in crime. 

The silence lingers in the air beside the muffles of Hinata and Sakura’s sobs and sniffling. Even Shikamaru was crying. He always said that Naruto was a bother but in reality, he was glad he met him.

The coffin was finally lowered into the ground. The guests were welcomed to put the first shovels of dirt in. Tsunade put her hand on Iruka’s back, telling him to go first. Iruka quickly looked up from the ground, seeing all eyes on him.

They all wanted him to go first.

Iruka gulps, walking forward and grabbing the small shovel off the ground. He takes the first scoop from the pile of dirt next to the grave. He looks over Naruto’s grave. 

The shovel quivers in his quivering hand. He falls to his knees, earning a few yelps from behind.

“I can’t do it.” The man is finally able to choke out.

“I-I can’t do it. I can’t believe I let this happen to him. I should have protected him more, I should have been more in his life. I’m so sorry Naruto! I promised you I’ll be there for you, promised that you’ll get stronger, only to get you killed! The people, they-they should have been better!” He cries out, his voice choking up. A lump in his throat formed in his throat, growing larger. 

“I told you that you could become the village’s hero.”

Hot wet tears rolled down his cheeks, making small trailers down his tanned skin. The shovel pierces into the ground, cutting the grass and no doubt killing some bugs. 

“You were my hero, Naruto.”

A hand rests itself on Iruka’s shoulder. He looks up from the ground to see Konohamaru above him. He smiles. The corners of his mouth lifted up. It was a sad, but sweet smile. There were tears in his eyes, but he was still happy.

“You don’t know how much of an influence you were in Onii chan’s life, do you?” He asked. “Without you, he would be more lost than he is now.” Everyone was surprised. For Konohamaru to speak so easily about it to Iruka was daring. They had never seen this side of him before. He seemed so grown up.

“You were his family. Something I wish I could have been a part of.” His smile started to fade. Instead, his mouth curling up into ‘holding back tears because your brother died’ face. 

Iruka smiles. He grabs Konohamaru closer, pulling him into his chest.

They embrace for what seemed like forever. They both cried and let it go. Let it all go. Everyone else did the same. They bawled their eyes out. Except one.

Later on, after the ceremony, everyone went inside. They all talked about the boy in the grave. About things, he did when he was younger, pranks him and Shikamaru did a few years ago causing small amounts of laughter. 

Konohamaru was at the back of the group, not saying a word. Iruka noticed and walked over. He sat next to him, sipping hot cocoa. “You all right kid?” The boy nodded. “What about you?” He asked quietly. Iruka chuckled. “Yeah. You know, Naruto would be so proud of how grown up you are.” Konohamaru looked up at his sensei. He smiled before letting his head rest against Iruka’s shoulder.

Sakura looks over across the amazing students, her amazing Hokage and teachers. She loved them all and hoped they don’t end up like Naruto. But one was missing. 

The boy she loved. 

She doubted that Sasuke was so arrogant that he would just straight up and leave Naruto’s funeral. He wasn’t like that.

She looked out the window where Naruto’s grave would be. Sasuke was on his knees in front of Naruto’s grave. A small wildflower was clenched in his right fist. Most of his face was covered by his jet black hair but she could he was crying. 

Sakura excuses herself from the rest, heading outside with some flowers she stole from a vase on her way out. Sasuke hears her come out and hastily wipes his face with his black sleeve.

Sakura realizes what he was wiping away. He came out here to cry. For Naruto. He didn’t want to cry in front of everyone else.

“Go away Sakura.” 

“Look Sasuke, I know it’s hard. It’s hard for all of us. But for the sake of it, I’m glad we were in his life when he was still alive.” Sakura smiled.

Sasuke clenches his fist and grits his teeth in anger. She had the whole idea completely wrong. She had everyone wrong. It made his blood boil and his heart crumble. 

“You don’t get it do you?!” Sasuke angrily asks, turning to the pink haired girl behind him. There were tears in his eyes and rolling down his white cheeks. 

His normally still lips were curled up into a terrifying but sad snarl. 

“You don’t get how painful it is on me. I’m not okay. I know I said I am but I’m really not.” His voice was heartbreaking. Enough to shatter Sakura’s heart. 

“Why does everybody I love is killed and taken away from me?!?!” Sasuke asks himself out loud in frustration. Sakura puts a hand on Sasuke’s shoulder. “I get it, Sasuke.” Sasuke hit Sakura’s hand off his shoulder and angrily tightened his deathly grip on her wrist. 

“SAKURA YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE! I LOST ALL MY CLAN AND NOW NARUTO! EVEN IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE, I WOULD OF HAVE TO KILL HIM TO KILL ITACHI! SO JUST QUIT PRETENDING YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR ME AND JUST LEAVE!!” He yells in her face.

Sakura drops her bouquet of flowers. Her face was a look of terror. This was the scariest she had ever seen him before. His look softens, the grip on her wrist let's go.

He seemed to relax more. “I’m sorry.” Sakura apologises. 

“You don’t get it as I do.” He says barely above a whisper. The rain started to fall once more. It was soft at first but it got heavier on the minute. They both look up the sky. Sakura looks down and does something that she’ll never do ever again.

She grabbed the boy’s body close to her, wrapping her arms around him. Sakura held onto him tightly. Sasuke looked down at her with no emotion. Sakura opens her eyes. Instead of looking at Sasuke, she was looking at Naruto’s grave.

“N-Naruto…” She sobs into Sasuke’s chest.

He was really gone. Forever. 

“Why are you crying? You were the one who made fun of him for being an orphan and punched him every time he said something about me. You’re probably one of the reasons.” Sasuke said coldly. Sakura was more than taken back, she was shocked to her core.

“What?” She asked softly. “I did that?” Sasuke nodded solemnly. “Yes, you did. You don’t even realize the shit you’ve done to him. You don’t deserve to be here.” Those words hit her way too close to home. She slowly lets go of Sasuke, his arms staying limp at his sides. 

He didn’t want that hug. He didn’t need her to hug him. He needed Naruto’s.

“He loved you. I don’t see why or how, but he did. And what did you do? Punch him, kick him and bully him for being an orphan.” 

“Just leave.” He said to the girl. Sakura look at him. He was serious. She had already pushed him far enough. She turned around, her short hair flicking out water. She left Sasuke next to the grave, drenched by the rain. 

As she entered the room, everyone stared. She just kept her head down. Ino was going to give her a snarky remark for getting to hug Sasuke but stopped herself when she saw Sakura’s face.

Sasuke didn’t care. He had already cared too much about special people in his life he was kinda scared to now. He didn’t want to let them go. He didn’t want to let Naruto go. 

Sasuke bends back down in front of the grave. He places the wet wildflower on Naruto’s grave. It sat there on the freshly covered wet dirt. 

The boy opened his other fist. A scrunched up note sat on his palm. Naruto’s note.

The lines from Naruto’s suicide note rang through Sasuke’s head, swimming around and hurting him from the inside out. 

“Goddamnit Naruto! Why did you have to listen to them! Why did you do this?! You were always the one telling me that you would never listen to them!” Sasuke angrily yells. His yelling turned soft, lowering to a more softer voice. “You always thought of yourself as my equal, why am I only realizing now that you always were?” He whispered to himself. He rested his head back. Looking up at the sky where two birds were flying together in the wind, enjoying each other. 

“Why am I only realizing now how much I love you?”

If only Naruto were here to see this now. He’d probably joke about how drenched Sasuke was. But he would still care for him and most likely hug him as Sakura did.

But Sasuke wouldn’t push him away. 

But that won’t happen. Because he was at peace now.

********

The sun sets behind the Konoha clouds. A very beautiful sight to behold. It looked like it came straight out of an expensive oil painting you would see at an art gallery. 

Sasuke replaces the wilting bouquet of flowers with a new one filled with colours of red, blue and orange. Since Naruto died, he hated the colour orange. But over the years he learned to simply get over it.

He was over it now. But he still came back to his grave. He did it a lot. 

Sasuke sits himself down on the grassy patch next to the grave, watching the sunset. Sasuke came here every month as if he was simply visiting his home. He told him everything. He told him about his missions in Konoha. He told him about their friends and what they were up to. He told him about how much he missed him. And about his realization of affection towards him and how much he wishes he would have realized it sooner. 

As he got older, he started visiting the grave lesser and lesser. Sasuke apologies mercilessly for it. He told him about how he had learned to connect with people and made friends. Of course, they were all Naruto’s friends so he kinds owed it to Naruto. He told him as if he could really hear him.

He wished that he could have changed quicker for him. So Naruto wouldn’t have died had the impression that everyone hated his guts. In reality, everyone loved him. He just didn’t know that.

Sasuke got up off the ground, said his goodbyes and left Naruto’s grave. He promised him he’d be here next week.

*********

Giggling was heard as Lee spun his daughter around in his arms. Sakura smiles as she puts the blanket out and basket of food down. Hinata and Ino run after them, giggling loudly as well. Sasuke, Kiba and Shikamaru followed after them.

Lee and his daughter run across the grassy fields, running with Akamaru and playing about. Akamaru had grown quite a lot since they were kids. He needed huge grass areas like this to run around in. And Lee was a great chaser. His daughter simply tried to chase after them, falling over every now and then in the tall grass. Ino and Hinata were in the flower fields next to them, making flower crowns and putting them in each other’s hair. 

After setting up with Sasuke, Sakura calls them over for lunch and they bound over quickly. 

Before they eat, Sakura takes a wildflower from Ino’s flower crown and place it on top of Naruto’s grave. Lee smiles lovingly at his wife behind her back. Everyone is silent except for the light breeze flowing through their hair. Lee smiles and closes his eyes, at peace. 

He’s interrupted by his daughter tugging on his arm. He leans down to her level. “Daddy, who’s that?” She asks quietly into his ear, pointing to Sakura who was lovingly staring at the grave. She wanted to stay here as much as she could.

“Someone very very special to us all,” Sasuke replies, not looking away. Sakura came here almost as much as Sasuke. But, she had a child and a hard job so she couldn’t visit a lot but she did the best she could.

She also talked to him as if he could reply to her. She told him she missed having someone to try and find out what was under Kakashi’s mask as kids. She told him about how Lee and she got together. About how they got married. You don’t know how much it meant to her when Lee came to ask Naruto if it was all right to ask Sakura to marry him. He wanted his permission. Lee had bent over on one knee with flowers, asking for his permission. Sakura would never admit it but she cried. 

And about how she was pregnant. That was her last visit. She hated to admit it but she hadn’t visited in 5 years. 

Normally, Sasuke would have scolded her for it. But now she was here. With her child.

Their child was very lively, with pink hair and big black eyes it wasn’t hard to see that is was their child. Her eyes reminded them both of Naruto’s. 

Their child let go of Lee’s hand and walked toward Sakura. She brought out a dandelion she picked earlier and placed it on Naruto’s grave. Sakura smiles, a tear slipping down her cheek. Everyone else shed a tear as well, Hinata going as far to start crying. To which Ino just cuddled her tightly. A few sniffing noises were heard from Shikamaru and Kiba even. 

“What’s wrong? Why is everyone crying?” Lee’s daughter asked innocently. “Nothing.” Hinata smiled, tears running down her face. Shikamaru pointed to Sakura and Lee and told her sneakily. “Your parents are sad. You know what that means.” He smirked.

She turned back to Sakura, smiling and giggling. In Shikamaru’s request, she ran to her parents and fell on top of them. In reflex, Sakura picked her up and fell onto her back, raising her up in the air.

“You know you shouldn’t listen to Uncle Shikamaru!” Sakura scolded playfully. 

They both giggled and laughed loudly. Lee took her off Sakura and kissed her on the cheek. 

Kiba looks over at Sasuke, smiling. Sasuke catches his gaze, only throwing a flower from Hinata’s flower crown she made for him at him. “You look very pretty saucegay,” Kiba said in a fake English accent. Everyone laughed loudly. “Kiba! You ruined the moment!” Ino complains childishly, punching his shoulder. As Kiba rubbed his sore shoulder, Hinata put an extra flower in Sasuke’s flower crown.

"Hey, Aka!” Ino yells out. Akamaru stopped in his tracks, currently in the middle of stealing a noodle from inside the basket. “Hey! Get out! That’s Naruto’s!” Sasuke slapped Akamaru away from the basket. He took out the bowl of steaming ramen and put it next to Naruto’s grave. Everyone except Hinata looked at him like he was crazy. 

“How did it not tip on the way here. . . . ?” Kiba whispered to Shikamaru who just shrugged in reply.

After finishing their meal, they got up and started walking back. As they were walking back, Lee and Sakura’s daughter turned around to get one last look of the grave.

A short boy with blonde hair, black stripes on his cheeks and an orange jumpsuit was sitting on the grave. He was holding her daffodil to his nose, sniffing it. Her eyes widen at the sight. 

He looks up at the girl and waves. She waves back happily.

“Who are you waving at?” 

“The boy with blonde hair and the weird orange jumpsuit!” 

The rest of them look at each other in surprise. They look back at the grave but alas, there’s no one there. Sasuke looked anxiously. 

Naruto blew air out of his mouth softly. Petals flew around their feet in circles, dancing around their ankles. They all looked at each other once more. Hinata smiled and giggled. Everyone smiled at each other and then at the grave.

“He’s there all right.”

“You cheeky bastard.”

Naruto smiled. 

They moved on.

They had finally let him go.

Just as everyone left and Naruto thought they had all gone, he heard someone walk back up the small hill to his grave. Sasuke was walking back up. He had to know something first. Naruto sat there patiently, he wasn’t going anywhere. Not that he could anyway. 

“Naruto?” Sasuke asked. He wouldn’t have been able to see him if he wanted to. “Please, if you really are here, give me a sign.” The man closed his eyes with false hope. Naruto lightened up. He didn’t exactly know what to do. 

He reached to Sasuke’s head and placed two fingers on his forehead. 

Sasuke flinched harshly. He could feel him.

He flicked Sasuke’s forehead before saying softly, 

“Forgive me, Sasuke.”


End file.
